Never Leave Your Leon Unattended
by Feral Phoenix
Summary: There's a reason you don't leave Leon the Black Knight to his own devices in a village. ESPECIALLY when there's a tavern nearby. Which is why Gulcasa needs to find him, now, before Kylier takes his head off.  For Whitewash. Drunk!Leon and sexual humor.


Never Leave Your Leon Unattended

DISCLAIMER: Yggdra Union not mine. This story is, though. It's for Whitewash, because she is wonderful and put up with all my nitpicking on "Things Will Change".

The night was bright and starlit, the broad crescent moon shining down on the lamp-lit little town like something out of a bard's tale. Even though the largely-neglected land of Norn was referred to as little more than a wasteland even by the Fantasinians who claimed it as their own, the Imperial troops passing through the streets on the way to the wide and hospitable inn knew that this one little town was a jewel they were glad Fantasinia had overlooked.

One soldier, a knight riding a dragon, kneed his mount into a light trot to catch up with their leader, the tired-looking redhead consulting a scrawled list of directions as to which way to go. "Hey, Your Majesty."

"What?" the Emperor asked, sparing the man a glance before frowning back at his directions.

"Looked like there was a first-rate pub a few streets back. Want to take a break before we bunk down, kick back and have a pint?"

The soldier grinned as his Emperor gave him a look like he wasn't sure whether to be amused or annoyed. "You should know better than to ask. Everyone's tired; we need a rest. Besides… I'm underage. I can't drink anyway."

"Yeah, by a _year," _the soldier retorted, nudging his sovereign in the ribs with his elbow. "Come on. We won't tell on you."

In response, the Emperor pushed him away, making shooing motions with his hand. "No means no. _Someone _has to set a good example for you lot."

The soldier laughed and dropped back to join the other troops.

Eventually, their company drew close to a long building with the sigil of a sleeping wolf hanging outside, and stopped.

"This should be the place…" the Emperor said, looking at his directions and then at the inn. "Alright everyone, head in and get some—"

"Gulcasa?" one of their number, a short-statured mage in tattered robes and heavy chains interrupted.

"What, Nessiah?"

"We've got a bit of a problem. Leon's gone."

Gulcasa nearly dropped the paper he was holding, and stared at his friend incredulously. _"What?"_

"He must've slipped off earlier. Someone said something about a tavern a ways back, right? That would mean…"

Gulcasa groaned. _"Shit. _Someone has to go find him, fast… Alright, you all get your rooms here. I'll go knock some sense into the bastard, hopefully before he causes _too _much mayhem."

As the soldiers filed into the inn, the mage Nessiah stayed where he was, folding his arms.

_"…What, _Nessiah?"

"Are you sure you'll be alright by yourself?" he asked critically. "After all, you don't know this place, and your sense of direction is pretty bad. You'll get lost."

Gulcasa glowered. "I will be _fine. _I do not need you babysitting me all the time. Now go get some rest, you hear me? That's an order."

Nessiah sighed, shook his head tragically, and went.

---

Kylier was bored.

Kylier was _very _bored.

Kylier was _so _bored, in fact, that she would totally and completely be retrieving her griffon, Al, from the local stables and flying off right now but for the fact that she was waiting for someone. Namely her old friend (and current crush, though she wasn't sure if he knew it) Milanor, the Silver Wolf, who had gone behind the tavern's bar to have a talk with one of its maintainers concerning the raid he'd invited her on. He'd wanted to go in alone so the guy wouldn't feel too pressured, and had left Kylier and his flunkies out in the bar.

The members of Milanor's band had gotten a table and were regaling each other with their exploits and tankards of ale, despite the fact that a few of them had barely passed drinking age—eighteen here in Fantasinia, although she knew that in other countries like Bronquia it was twenty-one—and originally she'd been with them, but her patience was wearing thin and she didn't want to snap at the guys. They were like a pack of puppies, really; thieves they might be, but they were guileless and affable and adored her the same way they adored Milanor.

So she'd gone to sit at the bar itself with a virgin Shirley and wait for Milanor to get his sorry ass back out here, but she was bored.

Besides, the guy who'd come in here to sit a few stools down from her was starting to seem a little on the creepy side.

He'd been here, what—fifteen minutes? And he'd already had _how _many pints of rum? Kylier could understand somebody's desire for a little alcohol for socialization's sake, but _honestly! _It was disgusting.

Not only was he well on his way to being dead drunk, a state of which she definitely didn't approve, but something about him just rubbed her the wrong way. He was one of those big, swaggering guys in their mid-twenties who lived off their egos—and their libidos. This type of guy usually substituted balls for brains at every opportunity. Aside from that, he was wearing a nasty little sneer that Kylier didn't like.

While she was giving him a sidelong version of the evil eye, his smirky grin grew even wider, and he hoisted his flagon up, sloshing rum on the counter and the floor. "Hey, cutie."

Kylier wrinkled her nose at him. _Eww. _What a complete and total slob.

He thrust out the vessel again. "You, I'm talking to you."

Kylier looked around. There were no other girls nearby. _Oh, no way…_

"Yeah, you. Come here."

Kylier put her hands on her hips and glowered at the guy. "Bite me, you drunken ass."

He _laughed _at her. "Ooooh, I _like _the feisty ones."

Kylier could feel a vein twitching in her cheek. "Drop it and leave me alone unless you wanna die, buddy. I'll kick your ass and then feed you to my griffon."

He cocked his head at her and regarded her with a strangely sly expression, despite the alcohol. "Huh—what, you're not gonna sic your boyfriend on me instead?"

It was an automatic reaction, and Kylier cursed herself for it, but she couldn't help it. She _blushed. _Gritting her teeth, she hissed at him. "I…!"

"Now, wha'ss wrong with the world that a cute piece of ass like you hasn't got a man?" he asked, sloshing more rum on the counter as he looked around quizzically.

Kylier felt her whole face flame. "You _idiot," _she spat. "Don't make judgments like that about people you don't even know!"

His grin grew wider. "Or is it that you _do _have a man, but he's either so clueless or so disinterested that he hasn't made a move yet?"

Kylier glared at him. "You…! I'm not listening to you anymore!"

"I'm right, aren't I?" He reached across the bar stools to poke her in the shoulder; she flinched back from his touch. "Well, _any _girl with your legs and _near _your grade of ass shouldn't have to advertise to get someone's notice. Whoever he is, he _must _be stupid. Or blind."

This guy was creepy and drunk and getting on her nerves and… unnervingly perceptive. "Will you just go away already?!"

"Can't. Busy scoring with a hot chick," he said with a leer in her direction and another swig of rum. "You know…" His grin grew even wider; it was nearing on jack-o'-lantern proportions. _"Maybe _the reason you haven't grabbed Prince Charming yet is because you're too inexperienced to know how?"

_Really _unnervingly perceptive. "None of your business! Now go away or else!"

"Why don't _I _teach you the ropes, hmmmmm?" He cocked his head at her suggestively.

Kylier hissed and glowered at him, red-faced. "You don't _seriously _think you're gonna get any with lines like _that, _do you?! Moron!"

"Get any?" The guy said with a laugh, as if he found her statements to be uproariously funny. "You'll be _screaming _by the time I'm done, I guarantee it." And he got off his stool, reached out, and grabbed her chest.

Okay, that was it. Kylier was all for maintaining the peace and not attacking plastered sods for every little thing, since a lot of whatever they did was the booze talking. But there was no way in _hell _she was just gonna stand here and let some complete and total _stranger _she already _despised _proposition her and then _grope _her, for heaven's sake. She grabbed Bloody Rose from where it rested against the bar and swept it low, giving him a good thwack across the legs. He let go of her breast and fell flat on his ass with a grunt.

As he rubbed his head and looked at his spilled tankard of rum, Kylier fumed, menacing him with her mace with one arm and crossing the other firmly over her chest. He'd grabbed her hard, and it _hurt._

Incredibly, he looked up and _laughed _at her. "Great views, here," he commented, staring up at her.

"You son of a _bitch!" _Kylier shrieked, crimson in the face, shaking her heavy weapon. "I am going to _personally _see to it that you will _never, _and I mean _never, _have children!"

Many customers and servers were halting in their business to stare. Kylier was a familiar face, but none of them had ever seen her _this _angry before. Milanor's flunkies were getting up and giving Casanova looks that promised pain.

The guy just went on laughing. That is, until the door slammed open with brutal force, silencing everyone in the room.

_"LEON!"_

The guy's grin faded a little.

This newcomer was probably younger than the Leon guy Kylier had come to despise in so very short a time, but the furious look on his face gave Kylier no doubt as to who was in charge here.

"Get your ass off the floor and come with me. You have got a _lot _of begging to do if you don't want to get locked in the damn stockades for a week when we get home."

As he crossed the suddenly silent room to glower down at his drunken underling, Kylier noticed the Imperial black dragon stamped on the shoulder of his leather armor.

_So they're the Empire's guys, huh…?_

"You can't make me!" Leon yelled as he jumped up, and punched at the newcomer, who dodged the blow easily and replied with a solid right cross that hit Leon square in the cheek with a resounding crack. Leon reeled back while the new guy—his boss, apparently—put his hands on his hips and continued to glare.

"Taking a swing at your own Emperor, huh?" the redhead asked with considerable disgust. "Well, I don't suppose anyone can say you haven't got balls. …Too bad that's about _all _you've got."

Kylier had been thinking the same thing.

Leon snarled and lunged again. His boss (was he really the _Emperor?) _sank low to the ground, looking like some big cat coiling its muscles before the pounce.

"What was _that _supposed to be?" he asked coldly, then grabbed Leon by the waist and threw him.

Into a table.

Which shattered immediately, leaving Leon lying dazed in a pile of broken wood.

As Kylier and the others goggled, the Emperor (she didn't doubt _that _anymore) walked over to him, shaking his head tragically. "Why the hell _did_ I ever promote you?" he asked no one in particular, then reached down and grabbed a fistful of Leon's hair, hauling him up by it.

"Ow ow ow ow _ow!" _Leon whined. His emperor paid no attention whatsoever.

"Look…" With a sigh, the young Emperor turned to his audience, grimacing. "I'm very sorry about all of this. Hope we didn't ruin your night. And I'll send someone down tomorrow to pay for the table. Trust me in that it's going to come out of this moron's pay."

Everyone continued staring as the Emperor hauled the still-protesting Leon outside.

"Hello, what's all this?" Kylier turned to see that Milanor had finally emerged from the back rooms and was looking around with a baffled expression. "Some kinda brawl or somethin'…?"

Kylier unwillingly thought of Leon's string of boyfriend remarks and blushed.

"…?"

She sighed and facepalmed. "Trust me… you don't wanna know."

:owari:


End file.
